Crypto, Crocs and Cortisol
A Totally Unofficial Guide to Generational Easter Festivities
A lovely Easter break lunch with the family, I said…
What I actually got was a house full of people No WiFi Cold tea And a miniature Maltese co-running the household with a twelve-year-old
I asked for peace I got drama in high definition Here's how it all went down
Phil
My husband Millennial and Gen X cusp Part-time escape artist Full-time sport-streaming Easter egg bandit
Phil said he was just popping to the shop That was 53 minutes ago We all know what that means
He's in the car Seat reclined Football on his phone Quietly working his way through an Easter egg he told everyone he was giving up for sugar reasons Avoiding any sentence that starts with "Can you just"
And honestly I respect it I don't know whether to drag him back in Or just climb into the passenger seat and slide into a mutual sugar coma
Janet and Bern
Phil's parents The Boomer double act
Janet is calm Stoic Pragmatic Sat quietly with a coffee in one hand and a biscuit in the other Casting a silent but devastatingly accurate eye over the state of the cushions
She doesn't answer her phone She doesn't believe in WhatsApp She just sips Surveys And reminds us all that emotional restraint is a virtue
I love her I genuinely hope to be her one day
Meanwhile, Bern is loudly pressing buttons like he's trying to reboot Ceefax He saw something on Facebook about a national WiFi blackout linked to solar flares And he's fully onboard
If it's on WhatsApp, it's gospel Research No thanks He has memes for that
Together, they are chaos in comfortable shoes
The 14-Year-Old
Gen Z Chaos in concealer
She is having a full-blown meltdown Lying horizontally across two chairs Claiming she's regulating her cortisol While charging all three of her devices And texting a boy who ghosted her last week
She's crying but also scrolling Possibly contouring mid-sob
She told me I was mid Told Phil his Crocs are emotionally damaging Told herself she's fine
She says she hates drama While starring in a full emotional biopic called This House Ruined My Life
Living with her is like managing a traumatised influencer on a brand deal she didn't read the terms of
The 12-Year-Old
Gen Alpha
Cool Clever Low-key terrifying
Walked in Clocked the chaos Said "It's fine. I'll hotspot myself"
No panic
No performance Just solutions
She's in the debating society Gets top marks Her friends talk like junior MPs They're twelve and discussing digital ethics over Wotsits
She asked if I could start paying her pocket money in crypto Then pitched a shared dog ownership deal With snack incentives and veto rights
She doesn't shout She doesn't need to She has presence
She's twelve She should have staff I would vote for her I think I already work for her
The Dog and the 12-Year-Old
Gen Alpha power couple
The dog is three A miniature Maltese Looks like a teddy Moves like a CEO
Cool Calm Completely in control He doesn't bark He delegates
He and the twelve-year-old are inseparable They exchange knowing looks Like they've signed a silent contract
It's clear who's in charge And it's not me
Me
Class Gen X Holding it all together with caffeine and sarcasm
And me I'm just here trying to do some work Hit a book deadline Run three businesses Two radio shows A podcast And survive a house full of tech issues Teenage tears And a WhatsApp-fuelled solar flare theory
I asked for one peaceful hour Instead, I got Phil in hiding Janet silently judging the scatter cushions Bern quoting Facebook A Gen Z breakdown in full glam And a Gen Alpha duo planning a quiet coup from the hallway
So yes The streaming is down And so is my will to live
A Quick Guide to the Madness
Not sure who belongs to which generation Here's your cheat sheet
Boomers, Born 1946 to 1964 Think WI meetings, coffee and biscuits, raised on starch and stoicism Characters: Janet and Bern
Gen X, Born 1965 to 1980 Think strong tea, sarcasm, high-functioning burnout and backache Character: Me
Millennial / Gen X cusp, Early 1980s Think secretly tired, trying to be healthy, watching football in the car Character: Phil
Gen Z, Born 1997 to 2012 Think lash glue, vague threats, feelings, contouring through tears Character: The 14-year-old stepdaughter
Gen Alpha, Born 2013 onwards hink TED Talks over toast, crypto curiosity, emotional composure Characters: The 12-year-old and the dog Yes, both
Based on a True Story
Sort of
This entire blog is based on real events With a few details exaggerated for emotional impact And because I was tired and needed to rant
But the WiFi really was down And yes Phil is definitely still in the car
Wishing you a calm and Happy Easter Break! Or at least working WiFi and no one crying in contour