Crypto, Crocs and Cortisol
A Totally Unofficial Guide to Generational Easter Festivities
A lovely Easter break lunch with the family, I said…
What I actually got was a house full of people
No WiFi
Cold tea
And a miniature Maltese co-running the household with a twelve-year-old
I asked for peace
I got drama in high definition
Here’s how it all went down
Phil
My husband
Millennial and Gen X cusp
Part-time escape artist
Full-time sport-streaming Easter egg bandit
Phil said he was just popping to the shop
That was 53 minutes ago
We all know what that means
He’s in the car
Seat reclined
Football on his phone
Quietly working his way through an Easter egg he told everyone he was giving up for sugar reasons
Avoiding any sentence that starts with “Can you just”
And honestly
I respect it
I don’t know whether to drag him back in
Or just climb into the passenger seat and slide into a mutual sugar coma
Janet and Bern
Phil’s parents
The Boomer double act
Janet is calm
Stoic
Pragmatic
Sat quietly with a coffee in one hand and a biscuit in the other
Casting a silent but devastatingly accurate eye over the state of the cushions
She doesn’t answer her phone
She doesn’t believe in WhatsApp
She just sips
Surveys
And reminds us all that emotional restraint is a virtue
I love her
I genuinely hope to be her one day
Meanwhile, Bern is loudly pressing buttons like he’s trying to reboot Ceefax
He saw something on Facebook about a national WiFi blackout linked to solar flares
And he’s fully onboard
If it’s on WhatsApp, it’s gospel
Research
No thanks
He has memes for that
Together, they are chaos in comfortable shoes
The 14-Year-Old
Gen Z
Chaos in concealer
She is having a full-blown meltdown
Lying horizontally across two chairs
Claiming she’s regulating her cortisol
While charging all three of her devices
And texting a boy who ghosted her last week
She’s crying but also scrolling
Possibly contouring mid-sob
She told me I was mid
Told Phil his Crocs are emotionally damaging
Told herself she’s fine
She says she hates drama
While starring in a full emotional biopic called
This House Ruined My Life
Living with her is like managing a traumatised influencer on a brand deal she didn’t read the terms of
The 12-Year-Old
Gen Alpha
Cool
Clever
Low-key terrifying
Walked in
Clocked the chaos
Said “It’s fine. I’ll hotspot myself”
No panic
No performance
Just solutions
She’s in the debating society
Gets top marks
Her friends talk like junior MPs
They’re twelve and discussing digital ethics over Wotsits
She asked if I could start paying her pocket money in crypto
Then pitched a shared dog ownership deal
With snack incentives and veto rights
She doesn’t shout
She doesn’t need to
She has presence
She’s twelve
She should have staff
I would vote for her
I think I already work for her
The Dog and the 12-Year-Old
Gen Alpha power couple
The dog is three
A miniature Maltese
Looks like a teddy
Moves like a CEO
Cool
Calm
Completely in control
He doesn’t bark
He delegates
He and the twelve-year-old are inseparable
They exchange knowing looks
Like they’ve signed a silent contract
It’s clear who’s in charge
And it’s not me
Me
Class Gen X
Holding it all together with caffeine and sarcasm
And me
I’m just here trying to do some work
Hit a book deadline
Run three businesses
Two radio shows
A podcast
And survive a house full of tech issues
Teenage tears
And a WhatsApp-fuelled solar flare theory
I asked for one peaceful hour
Instead, I got Phil in hiding
Janet silently judging the scatter cushions
Bern quoting Facebook
A Gen Z breakdown in full glam
And a Gen Alpha duo planning a quiet coup from the hallway
So yes
The streaming is down
And so is my will to live
A Quick Guide to the Madness
Not sure who belongs to which generation
Here’s your cheat sheet
Boomers – Born 1946 to 1964
Think WI meetings, coffee and biscuits, raised on starch and stoicism
Characters: Janet and Bern
Gen X – Born 1965 to 1980
Think strong tea, sarcasm, high-functioning burnout and backache
Character: Me
Millennial / Gen X cusp – Early 1980s
Think secretly tired, trying to be healthy, watching football in the car
Character: Phil
Gen Z – Born 1997 to 2012
Think lash glue, vague threats, feelings, contouring through tears
Character: The 14-year-old stepdaughter
Gen Alpha – Born 2013 onwards
hink TED Talks over toast, crypto curiosity, emotional composure
Characters: The 12-year-old and the dog
Yes, both
Based on a True Story
Sort of
This entire blog is based on real events
With a few details exaggerated for emotional impact
And because I was tired and needed to rant
But the WiFi really was down
And yes
Phil is definitely still in the car
Wishing you a calm and Happy Easter Break!
Or at least working WiFi and no one crying in contour