How to find your voice in work and in relationships

Women are, largely, raised to be ‘nice’. Taught from a very young age that we don’t make waves, we tolerate unpleasantness (indeed, downright rudeness) with a polite smile and don't protest when treated unfairly, but simply absorb the double standards and move on.

These days, we are far better at seeing those moments when pushing back, demanding a fair hearing, or simply pointing out somebody’s ill manners would be a good thing, but we’re really bad at doing that. I am reminded here of one of my favourite clips from the always hilarious Mash Report: Women Have Told Everyone to Just F**k Off. It’s brilliant, and sums up precisely how we all feel, sometimes, but simply can’t say out loud. Trust me, I say it in my head a LOT! If you’ve not seen it, here’s a link - have a giggle on me. And while on the subject of pop culture doing a magnificent job of summing up the position we find ourselves in daily, America Ferrera’s passionate speech in the global hit Barbie deserves a standing ovation on every hearing. Whoever wrote this deserves an Oscar all of their own. It’s an iconic piece of writing and one we need to play to our daughters, sons and each and every male in our lives.

So, how do we find our voice when we need to make ourselves heard, in the workplace and in relationships?

Build your self-confidence

Building self-confidence starts with recognising your worth. Do a self-appraisal - what have you achieved this year that you know is of value to your employer or your homelife. I expect it’s a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

In terms of career - look at your job description and look at your annual goals. Review your last appraisal and talk to your line manager about an interim appraisal. Draw attention to your successes, and if you have had anything not so successful, analyse your learnings and what you can and have changed to ensure you do better next time. You will soon see that you are necessary, not just a cog in the wheel, to your team and the wider business. There are many roles where placing a monetary value on your efforts is impossible to quantify, but by looking at your successes you can to a qualitative assessment on your worth, your value, and start taking some pride in that. And with this will come greater self-awareness and greater confidence.

Next, be proactive. Take on more challenging projects, in bite-size chunks. Taking on something too far beyond your current! Your earlier analysis will have helped you recognised your existing strengths, now it’s time to ask your boss and your colleagues where they think you shine. Volunteer to be part of project teams, or to take on a task your manager usually does, on the basis of learning and progressing in the business - being proactive and being acknowledged for your efforts will really help boost your confidence. This increased presence, being seen by your line manager and colleagues, will also give you a degree of authority you may have felt laciking before.

Which leads me to - knowing when to speak up, and knowing when to stay silent.

Know when to speak up

With increased self-confidence comes an increased willingness to offer ideas and opinions. However, your listening skills will play an important part in this, as will your innate (very female) ability to read the body language of the speaker and your colleagues.

What do I mean by this?

Some people are super-assertive, they state their opinion and have an inability to hear and digest any opposing opinions. You will recognise this when you see and hear it. Your colleagues will too, which is why these people are often able to simply make their case and think they have won the day. I was once told by a mentor to remember there are more way to skin a cat than going straight at it, which is likely to result in battle wounds. If you genuinely believe you have a better idea, write it down, write the pros and cons argument and take it to your line manager (even if that is the super-assertive person) and present your case. Under these circumstances diplomacy is key - you’ve thought about their solution, and wondered if you might present some ideas and actions to support it, for example. Sometimes one has to be a sapper, not a tank, was the break-through advice I was given - go under, around or over the top, you don’t have to go straight at the problem.

You can also seek the help of others, which is where having a good mentor is a really great idea. Choose someone senior, who’s not in your division, and simply ask for their help in developing within the business by enhancing your personal and professional skill sets. It’s been my experience that people feel flattered to be asked and rarely say no. Men especially…

When faced with downright rudeness, speaking up immediately is almost the right thing. No longer should we absorb any form of abuse, in the workplace or at home. Be very careful not to meet like with like, but point out, calmly, that speaking those words, in that way, is counterproductive and offensive. You don’t need to demand an apology, though often one will be forthcoming. If you can’t make an immediate challenge, after the event sense-check what you heard with colleagues, or write it down, and raise it with your line manager or HR. Nobody, ever, deserves to be to feel bad in the workplace. Ever.

Be assertive

Choose your language when speaking up. Listen to how men do it - they are perfectly fine with a direct challenge, but this doesn’t always work for women - our words are too easily seen (by men) as confrontational, or ‘bossy’, so (annoying as it is) prefacing your challenge with a soothing opener - “Can I just ask your thoughts on…” or “Could you just explain that a little more - I am unclear on the xxxxx element.” or “I can see the thinking here, but what happens when…” etc. This leads to a conversation, a back and forth where you can present your idea in a calm yet assertive fashion.

Being assertive doesn’t mean being overtly challenging, or using words such as “that won’t work” or “I think we should do it this way, instead.”. Being assertive means sticking to your argument in a calm manner where you can face down any challenges with logic and facts - which means that before you challenge anybody, you need to be sure of your ground> if you’re not sure of your ground, go away, do your research and then make your challenge.

Be collaborative

Your colleagues and your manager, on the whole, want nothing but the best for you and for the business. There’s the occasional bad apple, the bully who sets out to undermine you either consciously or subconsciously, and these are to be avoided, but in every workplace there are also the cheerleaders and support acts there to lift you up.

Take advantage of others - use them as sounding boards for your ideas, ask them how they’d propose an idea or change of process to the powers that be, sense check what you just heard in a meeting, read in a memo or picked up on the grapevine. People find it flattering to be considered wise, or knowledgeable, or simply of value to others. Don’t put yourself in a silo - the more people you bring into your circle, the more examples of successful behaviour you will witness, and the more word will spread about your engagement with your role, the wider team and the business itself.

Finding your voice with your peers on a one-to-one basis will help you build confidence for finding it in team meetings and with senior managers. Your reputation for ideas, and delivering on those ideas, will be enhanced and grow to the point when you do speak up, it’s not seen as a challenge, but a positive and effective contribution.

Be a problem solver

See above! Problem solving is a valued asset in any business, so whether you speak up in meetings or afterwards, as long as your contribution solves a problem and doesn’t simply point it out, people will listen.

Pointing out a problem without offering a solution is simply annoying. The only safe way to do this is to describe the issue “as I see it”, and immediately volunteer to go away and find a solution.

Never apologise

This is very much a workplace rule - don’t ever apologise for having an opinion, but if you ever make a mistake own it. Immediately.

Don’t ever start a sentence with “I’m sorry, but…” It either sounds like you’re not sorry or it immediately gives people permission not to listen - and both of these immediately weaken your position.

However, there is huge power in owning your mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. Many argue that without mistakes we can’t learn, that is is only by pushing oneself into new territory that we can grow and develop. By owning up, by presenting a solution or simply asking for help to fix it, we engender trust - our manager and our colleagues know we won’t leave them hanging. We don’t pass the buck, we don’t attempt to hide or disguise errors and we can be trusted to always do the right thing by the people around us.

Equally, never stay silent when someone else make a mistake and attempts to put you in the firing line. You don’t need to finger point (even if one is pointed at you) you simply need to calmly and quietly provide proof that it wasn't your hand that pressed the wrong button. Phrases such as “I am aware of the issue, but as you can see in this email it wasn’t something I played a part in”, or “I can see why you might think that, but in fact…”, or even “I was unaware of this issue and am puzzled as to why you think I had a part to play in that.” This one throws it back at the accuser, placing the onus on them to sort fact from fiction. Be prepared to stand your ground, with facts and a timeline of documentation, or calmly request someone else provides the evidence.

And if it does turn out to be your responsibility - apologise, own it, fix it, move on.

While here I have referred to workplace examples rather than domestic or friendship examples, finding your voice and using it with power actually works the same way in whichever setting. You cannot win an argument by shouting your opinion and storming off (though it’s something widely seen as terribly powerful by men!).

Instead, remain calm and ask questions. Lots of questions breaking down the issue into bite-size pieces. Often, neither of you is 100 per cent right or wrong. And before you throw an idea or suggestion or complaint out there, ask yourself how if thrown at you, you might react, and then choose your words to overcome that potential reaction.

As an example, words such as ‘you never’ or ‘you always’ are inflammatory. Very rarely does somebody always or never do something. And it’s hard to step back from that kind of statement with grace.

As in the workplace, those people you are in relationships with (friends, family, partners) like to be asked for opinions and advice. It may seem a little manipulative, getting what you want by a more roundabout route rather than by simply demanding it, but if the end is achieved and everybody has played their part, it’s not manipulative, it’s diplomacy at work.

The same works in reverse - when people ask something of you, and your instinctive response is to say no, pause, take a moment to consider why and if they’d do it for you, and then carefully frame your response - either in the negative or positive, but always with sensitivity. Some people are takers, some are givers, the healthiest is to be a bit of both.

And don’t expect thanks, but always give them. Be the best you can be, and let others worry about themselves.

In summary, being heard, at work or at home, will only come if you put the effort in, and this starts with you recognising your worth, building on that, and learning some effective strategies for speaking up in your authentic voice - and that may require some trial and error. But if you don’t try, while you might occasionally fail, you’ll never succeed.