What type of friends do we need in our life?

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately. I am blessed to have many people in my life I call friend, but recently I was rather upset when one of these, a woman, treated me in a way I was very surprised at. I was quite hurt by her actions, and the underhanded way she went about what she did, and asked myself - did she really see me as a friend, or did I just assume we were? And do I still want her in my life?

And you know me, when I start to ponder on something I start to research it! And it turns out it’s both complicated, and not so complicated. When researching, I found references to the ‘three types of friend we all need’, the ‘seven friends theory’, the ‘five friends theory’ and even the ‘eight types of friend we all need in our life’. Confused yet?

The Three Types of Friend Theory

According to William Rawlins, author of The Compass of Friendship, we need three types of friend: someone to talk to; someone to rely on; and someone to have fun with. 

The someone to talk to is, he says: “more than a sounding board. Her role is to help you become a better person, which may mean giving you tough love when necessary to guide you in the right direction. You should be able to let your guard down and confide in her but know she’ll still challenge you in order to help you grow.” Yes! I have two friends like this - hurrah!

The someone to rely on is the person you know you can turn to when stuff goes wrong - who will collect you from the train station when the Uber doesn’t come, who will grab your children from school when your Teams meeting runs on, or lend you the perfect outfit for a wedding when you want to look good, but not spend the money. Thinking about this, I recognise that I am the someone to rely on for one friend, and she is mine, but we never talk really personal stuff - we are always there for each other, but on a more practical level. So what do we get from this relationship, which seems to be based on immediate need, nothing very deep? It’s been proven that helping someone when they need it is of benefit to our own mental health and wellbeing. It can reduce stress, improve mood and boost self-esteem and happiness. So in effect, we are gifting each other these positive feelings, which reinforces our friendship and keeps the virtual circle going. 

The someone to have fun with speaks for itself. I love a night out, and have a girl gang that has formed strong bonds over the years. We like the same stuff, we enjoy the same activities, and we have traversed the changes each life stage brings together. 

I like this theory. It’s simple and relatable. I’m keeping it.

The Seven Friends Theory

This one was popularised on TikTok, so immediately I am wary! The theory says you only need seven actual friends, and they look like this:

A friend you’ve had since you were little

A friend that can make you laugh in any situation

A friend you can go on forever without talking to, but nothing changes

A friend you can tell anything to

A friend that’s like a sister

A friend you can’t imagine not being friends with

A friend that knows about all your relationship problems, even though they don’t want to hear about it

Well, I don’t have the first, my sister is my sister, so I don’t need another, and really, who needs the last - surely that would make me a bad and boring friend?

Let’s just park that one in social media crazy town and give it no more head space.

Toxic friends

Actually, what I really want to get into is how to recognise those ‘friends’ we really don’t need in our life, and how to get rid of them.

We all know who our true friends are, but are we as good at spotting those who aren’t true, and good, and worthy of us?

Toxic friendships and how to dump them

First, we need to recognise the signs of a less than healthy friendship.

Toxic friendships are relationships that impact your emotional and psychological wellbeing in a negative way. Not all toxic friendships are obvious; do a run through of all your friends and consider how you feel when you think of them. If there’s a slight sense of discomfort, of guilt (maybe you think you’re the bad friend because you don’t reach out, but why aren’t you reaching out?) or frustration when their name comes to mind, this could be a toxic friendship. 

Unlike healthy friendships, toxic friendships are draining. Toxic friendships aren’t based on a balanced, mutually beneficial relationship, there’s always too much weight on one side and that can be exhausting. Toxic friends are rarely your closest friends, your ‘someone to talk to’ or ‘someone to rely on’. They may fall into the fun friends category, or work friends, or may even be one of your oldest friends from childhood, but you have simply outgrown each other.

Here are seven signs to look out for in a friendship that does you no good:

Negativity: does your friend leave you feeling drained, rather than uplifted? Does she rarely have anything positive to say? 

Criticism: while healthy feedback is an important part of friendship (see ‘someone to talk to’, above) constant criticism will tear down your self-esteem. 

Lack of empathy: your friend makes no effort to understand your feelings, or seems indifferent to your emotions . 

Lack of cheerleading: your friend never offers positivity and support before a major event, such as a job interview, or celebrates when something great happens, such as a promotion

Lack of balance: friendships are all about balance. A friend who takes and takes and never gives isn’t ‘gifting’ the opportunity to feel good, they’re more like vampires draining your energy and self-esteem.

Falling out: While disagreements in friendships are perfectly normal and easily navigated, frequent conflicts, small or large, should definitely raise a red flag.

Betrayal: Going behind your back, gossiping or ‘stirring’ as we used to call it, is a major no. 

Walking away from toxic friendships

Once you have recognised that your friendship with a particular person isn’t what it should be, the healthiest thing is to walk away from it. This is easier said than done, of course.

You have already achieved step one, of course - recognition. Now you just need to decide if you want to save the relationship, or close it down.

If a friendship has been failing for some time, it’s worth letting go. 

First, set boundaries with your toxic friend. Next time they do something you have identified as toxic, tell them. Use neutral language, but make it clever you’re no longer going to accept that behaviour. 

Next, if behaviours don’t change, it’s time to start easing away. Look at the usual manner in which you make contact - who drives it? Who makes arrangements? If it’s that person, be honest and tell them why you don’t want to meet: “It’s really hard, but I am not sure our friendship is actually very good for either of us, so I think stepping back for a while might be a good idea.” 

If it’s you that drives the relationship, stop. Yes, this looks like ghosting, which I don’t really approve of, but unless they reach out, you’re not ignoring them, you're simply placing the communication ball in their court. If they eventually do reach out, see above!

If your toxic friend is a work colleague, start making other plans for the times when she usually finds you, wants to have lunch, or gossip at the water cooler. Start easing away both in terms of physical presence and how you respond to her verbally. Change the subject when her topic of conversation makes you uncomfortable, or tell her you are feeling uncomfortable and want to talk about something else. This is hard, I know, I have been there. If she continues to pursue you, brace yourself and have the conversation. 

Finally - enlist support. Whether in personal or work relationships, having an ally when you’re doing something difficult makes all the difference. Your someone to talk to will be hugely important here, providing support, cheerleading and helping you maintain perspective and commitment to sticking with it.

So, what did I do with my toxic friend? I was honest. I told her I was upset by what she’d done, and asked why she had thought it was okay. She had no real response, making me realise the fault lay with her, not something I had done, so I felt fine with letting that friendship go. 

I’ll leave it now with a quote from the magnificent Taylor Swift, the epitome of girl power and decent, lasting friendships: “No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind."

Love, Penny xxx