Be your authentic self

The prevalence of the phrase ‘authentic me’ or ‘authentic self’ has grown exponentially in recent years, driven, of course, by social media’s reach into people’s homes and minds. But what does it really mean?

For me, what it really doesn't mean is baring your soul on social media, blurting it all out in search of hearts and fake sympathy from people you don’t know and shouldn’t care about. A quick search on Instagram alone shows that there are currently 13.1m posts up with the hashtag #authentic (and yes, admittedly some will be by antiques dealers, but we all know that will be a significant minority), 828,000 with #authenticself (ugh) and 19.4k with #authenticme. Am I alone in hearing these words uttered in that droopy California-girl accent, just demanding attention - ‘kudos for being so, like, honest about yourself, girl, that’s so, like, brave…’ Can you tell this frustrates me?!

Like most social media trends, the notion of #authenticself began, no doubt, in a good, and positive, way, to encourage people (mainly women) to trust that the person they are is good enough, that there is no need to follow the crowd, to dilute yourself or twist yourself into uncomfortable shapes just to fit in. It’s been picked up and overused until its true meaning has become lost in the scroll, however, so here I am to reclaim it for those of us who appreciate its true power.

What does it really mean to be authentic?

For me, being authentic means being true to yourself. It means identifying who you are inside, below the layer we paint over ourselves to blend in, to join in, to keep our heads down and safe, so we get that party invitation, we keep in with the boss, we get the brunch invite - even if at the same time we get the uncomfortable feeling in our tummy that says we’re faking it, or the sense of overwhelm when we try to run with a crowd we don’t really enjoy, or that feeling of exhaustion at having to raise yet another smile.

Here’s what being authentic means to me

Just say no

As women, we are real suckers for saying yes. In the workplace we often take on more than we know we can manage, and end up working excessive hours and feeling stressed out. At home it’s often the woman who manages all things child and home, trying to keep a million things in our heads while other other half simply disappears off to work, leaving us to make another blessed World Book Day costume, or drive the kids to Scouts, again, or work out how to wash, dry and iron three sets of school uniform when you’re spending all weekend ferrying kids about, cooking an entire Sunday roast or shopping for new shoes. What about those ‘must go’ brunches and parties and shopping days your friends assume you want to attend? The truth is, while most of the time we love to spend time brunching or shopping, there are times when we simply cannot face it. Just say no. ‘No - it’s your turn to sort the washing.’ ‘No - I do not want to go to your mum’s this weekend (you go, take the kids, give me some peace!)’.No - I won’t be doing brunch this week.’

Speaking your mind, even if what you have to say isn't popular

Have you ever been in a situation where you hear the flow of conversation, and it’s making you feel very uncomfortable? It could be your work colleagues having a gossip you feel is unfair, or your boss dismissing another’s ideas out of hand, or your mother dissing your brother’s wife. What about those occasions when you are directly asked to validate an idea or opinion you actually don’t support? It is always so easy to just stay silent in these situations, and nobody would blame you. You might even join in - to stay part of the crowd - but this I can’t condone. What is hard is speaking up. You might simply say you have no opinion to offer, as you don’t know enough, or that you think the comments shared are unfair, or that the conversation is making you uncomfortable and could we move on. When asked for your validation, if you don’t agree, say so. Why do you believe your opinion is worth less than the next person’s? Do it diplomatically, but stand your ground. You will feel happier as a result.

Taking responsibility for your actions

We all make mistakes. We all cock up from time to time. The easiest way to get over it, and maintain the respect of your friends, colleagues and yourself is to own it. Yes, there may be repercussions, but it’s very hard to be really angry with someone who puts their hand up and admits to a mistake, a misjudgement or simply not knowing and getting something wrong as a result. I have lived by this mantra since my very first job and over the years have put my hand up and admitted an error on multiple occasions, and nothing bad ever happened. However, on one occasion I was hauled into my divisional director’s office to ‘explain myself’ when a campaign had gone rather sideways because of a data set mix-up. It was absolutely nothing to do with me. Luckily, I had all the paperwork to prove it. It soon became clear that the senior manager who had been pointing the finger at me was actually at fault - one of her own team had cocked up and she hadn’t done the proper checking during the process. I was waved out of the office, she wasn’t. Not for some time.

Keeping promises

If you make a commitment, stick to it. Nobody wants the reputation of being flaky. If something genuinely crops up that makes your promise impossible, phone or speak to the people you will be letting down face-to-face. Nobody loves a baler and just like the boy who cried wolf, you won't get away with it for long until the trust goes and you find yourself in the cold.

Some people LOVE to help. It’s a wonderful aspect of any individual’s personality, but not when those offers of help, or promises to meet up, or commitments of support are not carefully thought through first and it’s clear that you definitely can help. Don’t leap to offer support and then realise later you have a prior commitment.

Helping others gives us a mental health boost. Letting people down has the opposite effect. Being true to your authentic self means only offering when you know for sure you can commit.

Being honest with yourself

If you want to be your authentic self, it’s worth working out who that authentic self is. Are you an extrovert who loves nothing better than a night out in a music-filled bar with the girl gang? Or are you happier at home, with a book or Emily in Paris? Maybe a combination of the two? Being honest with yourself about how you feel about everything, from your social life to your hobbies to every relationship you have (see my earlier post on toxic friendships) will help you say yes, no and maybe to every opportunity presented to you.

In my case, this meant saying no to a promotion and indeed changing firms completely. I realised that the culture in the firm where I was working wasn’t healthy for me - I was twisting myself up to fit in (very ‘boys will be boys’) and taking the next step up wouldn’t fix that for me, so I found somewhere else where I did fit, and did very well too.

If something is making you unhappy, acknowledging what that is will be the first step to figuring out how to deal with it. Even if the solution is really hard for you to deal with, in the long run you will feel lighter, stronger and more able to live as your authentic self.

Accepting the consequences of being true to what you consider to be right

We all have a set of core ethics that sit within our hearts and minds. My friend Kaitlin, who for a few years ran a graduate programme in a large international bank, used to say to her graduates that you should listen to your gut - that slightly uncomfortable feeling in your solar plexus is telling you that your ethics are being tested. When your gut is speaking, listen. It’s important not to mix this up with the very female need to be liked. Sometimes difficult decisions that impact others are the right decisions. Do the right thing for your team, your company and for you and live with that. You will be appreciated for your honour and integrity.

Of course, not everything you feel to be the right thing to do can or will be followed through on, especially in a business setting. Business decisions mostly revolve around money, but by stating your case, even when the higher-ups do something completely different, you have remained true to yourself. Just going with the flow, when there might have been a chance your views would be listened to and taken into consideration, even influenced the final decision, will leave your inner voice whispering uncomfortable things for some time.

All of these things wrap together in one interlinked bundle. You can’t be honest to yourself and never say no to things you don’t want to do.You can’t speak up but never accept consequences. Working on understanding who you are, who you truly are - what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy - will help you live your life being true to your authentic self.

Finally, one huge benefit of being true to yourself and living authentically is that you no longer need to seek validation from elsewhere - not your friends, not your family and certainly not from social media. It’s immensely free when you realise this!