Why Are People Tolerating Bad Romantic Relationships?
It’s becoming all too common to see young women tolerating bad behaviour in their relationships. Why is this happening? Why are we witnessing a rise in passive acceptance, where disrespect and even toxicity are shrugged off? It feels like a return to damaging stereotypes of submission and conformity. But why are women putting up with it?
Is it peer pressure, observing friends do the same? Are they modelling the relationships they saw growing up, believing it’s normal to lower their expectations? Or is it larger cultural forces—social media, films, and our obsession with being wanted—that lead them to prioritize being in a relationship over being treated well?
The Desire to Be Desired
The desire to be liked and wanted is deep-rooted, tied to survival. Historically, being part of a group wasn’t just about popularity—it meant protection, food, and safety. This instinct remains, even though society has evolved. We crave connection, and for some, that means sacrificing self-worth to avoid loneliness. But these days, we don’t need to conform to old-fashioned stereotypes that women must be submissive or silent to keep a relationship. So why are these patterns returning?
Where Has This Submissiveness Come From?
Historically, women weren’t always so passive. In fact, women have been warriors, queens, and leaders. Take Boudica, who led a rebellion against the Roman Empire, or Cleopatra, a ruler of Egypt who commanded alliances and armies. But somewhere along the way, strong women became a threat to the social order, and efforts were made to suppress their influence.
The church played a significant role in this shift. Over time, religious institutions began to dismiss and diminish the power and leadership of women. One of the clearest examples is Mary Magdalene. In early Christian texts, she was a significant figure in Jesus’ life—many historians now believe she was his wife or close companion. Yet, over the centuries, her role was reduced, and she was mischaracterized as a prostitute. This was no accident; it was a deliberate attempt to undermine her importance, relegating her to a lesser status and stripping away the idea of a strong woman being central to the story.
The church’s influence over centuries painted women as subservient, submissive, and secondary to men. The idea of women being in control, leading nations, or even their own households, was systematically diminished. The suppression of powerful women throughout history wasn’t just cultural—it was institutional. And although we’ve made progress, the echoes of this submission still linger in today’s society, influencing the way women view their roles in relationships.
The Impact on Women Today
Just when we think we’ve achieved equality, misogyny seems to rear its head again with each generation. The cycle of suppressing women’s power begins anew, reminding us that the work of equality is never truly finished. We cannot afford to be complacent. The progress we’ve made can easily be undone if we don’t continue to push back against the societal forces that try to pull us backward.
The real key to change lies in how we raise our sons. They are the ones who can break this cycle for good. By teaching boys to value equality and mutual respect, while celebrating the differences between the sexes, we instil in them the understanding that strength doesn’t diminish femininity—it complements it. Our sons must grow up seeing women as equals, valuing authenticity in all relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Of course, dating can be tough. Social pressures and the temptation to conform to what’s “expected” can be strong. But there is always immense value in being authentic. Authenticity allows us to attract relationships that are based on genuine respect and connection, rather than conforming to outdated stereotypes. When we stand firm in who we are, we pave the way for relationships that uplift us, not diminish us.
Day-to-Day Words and Actions that Embed Confidence
It’s not just about telling young girls they can be anything—they need to feel it. Every interaction is an opportunity to embed confidence and self-worth in girls. Here’s how we can do that, every day:
Language of empowerment: The words we use matter. Replace phrases like “You’re pretty” or “You’re nice” with compliments about their strength, intelligence, and courage. Acknowledge their abilities by saying things like, “You’re so strong,” “You handled that with grace,” or “You’re really good at solving problems.” Girls shouldn’t be taught to shrink to fit a mold; they should be encouraged to stand tall.
Encourage decision-making: Allow girls to make choices from a young age, whether it’s what they want to wear, read, or do. Teaching them that their decisions are valuable helps them grow confident in their ability to lead and make their own choices in the future. Independence should be nurtured early on.
Normalize leadership roles: Highlight women in history and current role models who defy traditional sex-based roles. When a girl sees someone who looks like her—who has done extraordinary things—it creates a powerful image of what is possible. Make it a point to discuss women who are leaders today, like Sheryl Sandberg, former COO of Meta, who championed women in leadership and pushed for equal opportunities in the workplace. Margaret Thatcher, the first female Prime Minister of the UK, showed how resolute leadership could break barriers, regardless of traditional expectations. Angela Merkel, former Chancellor of Germany, and Indra Nooyi, former CEO of PepsiCo, also demonstrate how women can lead with strength and conviction while remaining authentic.
Model self-respect: Young girls watch how adults, especially their role models, treat themselves. Mothers and influential female figures must model self-respect by setting boundaries, pursuing personal goals, and speaking confidently about their needs. When girls see women who prioritize their own well-being and maintain strong relationships based on mutual respect, they learn to expect the same for themselves. We must teach them that self-respect is the foundation for demanding respect from others.
Build emotional resilience: Encourage girls to express themselves freely and understand that their feelings are valid. Instead of dismissing emotions with phrases like "Don't cry," try acknowledging their feelings: “It’s okay to be upset; let’s talk about it.” This teaches them that their emotions matter and that it’s healthy to voice concerns in any relationship.
Call out toxic behaviours: Don’t shy away from pointing out disrespectful or controlling behaviours in real-life situations or media portrayals. Make it clear that these behaviours are unacceptable, and use examples to show what healthy, balanced relationships look like.
Strategies for Change
Here’s how we can start changing this narrative:
1. Strong role models: Surround young women with people who prioritize themselves and don’t bend to societal pressure. Show them that strength and self-worth come first.
2. Teaching resilience: Mothers and female role models should teach young women that their value is not tied to a relationship, encourage emotional strength and independence.
3. Promoting equality: Fathers and male figures must demonstrate respect and fairness in relationships, showing that equality is non-negotiable.
4. Rejecting toxic media standards: Encourage young women to critically evaluate the messages from social media. Validate real-world relationships over superficial online validation.
5. Building confidence early: Encourage girls to express their true selves early, so they feel confident in prioritizing their needs in relationships.
Breaking Free from Conformity
Ultimately, the issue of tolerating poor treatment in relationships is about a need for acceptance, driven by cultural pressures. But if we can teach young women that their worth comes from within, they can break the cycle of tolerating bad behaviour. Being yourself is essential for finding a supportive tribe, and the right people will love you for who you are—not who you pretend to be.
Women are powerful, and they deserve relationships that uplift them. We just need to remind them not to settle for anything less.
Call to Action:
It’s time we stop tolerating anything less than respect, kindness, and mutual growth in our relationships. Let’s challenge outdated stereotypes, empower the next generation of women, and make authenticity the standard for all of us. Whether you’re raising the next generation or working on your own growth, we all have a role to play in creating stronger, more authentic connections.
What steps can we take to promote more genuine relationships and confidence in young women? Let’s keep the conversation going by building these things in every day, in every conversation so that it becomes second nature.
Love, Penny xx