The trouble with mothers and daughters

In the course of my work in my clinic and in meeting many, many women at events where I am speaking, I hear one thing over and over again: ‘my mother drives me nuts.’ Sadly, for quite a number of the women I talk with, this goes further - their relationship has broken down irretrievably and nothing more than civilities are ever exchanged.

So why is this? Why do mothers struggle with their daughters, and daughters with their mothers?

I think we need to look back at generational change, here, first. And then be a little more forgiving.

We were born to rise

Most of us,certainly anybody under 60, grew up in a time where careers, adventure and being true to ourselves has been a societal expectation. Not once was it suggested to me that staying home and raising children, while hubby brought home the bacon, should be on my list of things to do. For many of our mothers, this would have been entirely different.

So why does this contribute towards a tricky relationship?

My friend, Sarah, has an interesting perspective on this: “I think the strain in the relationship with my mum stems from her desire to push me into the life she felt she deserved. She definitely has brains and drive, but being pushed into a stay-at-home mother role was bored and unfulfilled, and a flaw in her character made her take this out on me. For all of my teenage years she fought hard to keep me in line, telling me that I would never amount to anything, I would fail all my exams and never get a good job, and was letting her down. She was very hard on me and made it so I couldn't talk to her about anything. This caused a rift that has never healed and I left home as soon as I was able.

“I have, with age and understanding, forgiven my mother for this; it’s healthier to let these things go than carry them about, and indeed I believe that a degree of my success in life is down to a little “I’ll show you” attitude.”

Chatting to other women, this seems quite a common theme, if usually less aggressively delivered. A client, Isabel, shares her experience.

‘Mum was directed into teaching, which she was good at but didn’t enjoy. She was always pushing me to be better academically, to go to university, to be someone. She picked at everything I did, from my choice of clothes to my choice of A levels to the way I walked to the way I spoke. Somehow I felt I never made her proud. My brother, on the other hand, could do no wrong. Growing up, and right through my 20s, 30s and even into my 40s, the picking and pushing was still there, and it created a huge gap between us.

‘It wasn’t till I got into my 50s she shared her experience with her own mother - a housewife who also constantly picked and pushed, for whom my mother could do no right. It’s easy with this knowledge to understand that this picking and pushing lay in the determination to ensure first my mum, and then me, didn’t find ourselves in a dull career and reliant on a man, unlike my brother, for whom all doors were already open.

“And yes, it’s easy to understand, but our relationship hasn’t survived it; we have a distance caused by hurt and misunderstanding that will never be healed. She’s 80 now, so I am kind, patient and stay silent in my understanding, while she still picks and pushes.’

Unmet expectations

In every one of these conversations, I hear women mourn the fact that their mother didn’t behave as they thought a mother should. And I am quite sure that if I spoke to the mothers, they would express their disappointment that their daughter didn’t behave as they thought a daughter should.

While I firmly believe that, as the parent and as an adult, the buck stops first with the mother, as we too become adults, and as we too recognise the conflicts in our relationship, we too should consider our behaviours.

Conflict often arises from unmet expectations. Ours of her, hers of us. As we achieve adulthood, we are likely in a rut of repeat behaviour with mum - our triggers are on a hair-trigger, our response immediate and bold.

When we expect, or still hope, for more from each other than history has proven we are capable of delivering, there is huge disappointment. We both feel judged, dismissed, criticised, not listened to or purposefully misunderstood. Feeling put down or minimised when trying to explain something to a mother who has a seeming inability to actually understand a word you are saying will of course trigger heightened emotions, and boom - things are said. Or indeed, not said.

Isabel says: “‘I have never told my mum how much hurt she has caused over the years. I didn’t express my hurt when I was younger - in my 20s or 30s - because you don't talk back to your mum, do you? I just took it. I don’t express it now because there’s no point. She’s an old lady, she had her own challenges to bear with her own mother, and causing hurt to an old lady isn’t on my list of things to do.”

So, what can we do to ensure a better relationship with our own daughters?

All we ever want, as daughters, is to feel loved, heard, admired (occasionally), safe and cherished. We want to know our mum has our back, and will stand up for us whenever we need them. We want to know that if the shit hits the fan, we can go home, with zero judgement, just a hug and a quiet space in which to heal.

So, mothers of daughters, be a cheerleader. Be an asker of questions, not a maker of judgements. Be a listener - and even if you don’t agree, keep quiet. Your daughter needs to feel you accept that they know their world better than you, she needs to feel so loved she knows she is worthy of love and respect in any relationship. She needs to have her successes celebrated and her failures hugged away, then a mutually agreeable plan discussed on next steps. If you don’t make your daughter feel valued, she will never value herself, and that way trouble lies in both career and relationships.

Perhaps key to building, or re-building, a good and loving relationship with our daughters is to practise being less reactive. The way we respond to our children is a habit, largely, and habits can be changed.

Acknowledge our triggers

The first step is to acknowledge our triggers - write them down. Visualise a calm and measured response to each trigger. Assign that calm and measured response a colour. These days, when my mum tells me how sad she is that I never made her a grandma, I visualise a warm sunflower yellow, smile, and agree - yes, it’s sad, but that’s life, and don’t forget my fabulous step-child!

If things look like they could get heated, call for a time out. Acknowledge that passions are rising, explain you don’t want to argue and leave. Nobody ever wins in a mother-daughter argument, so it’s best not to let them happen. Tell your child you love her, unreservedly, and walk away.

When dealing with our own mothers, ask for help. Make sure your partner knows of the challenges you face, and ensure they stay by your side, or cut in after a pre-agreed length of time. I find a half hour works for me; once we get past the initial greetings and courtesies, it’s best not to allow the conversation to develop! If you’re visiting solo, put a deadline on your departure time and remember your tiggers.

Be brave

Finally, remember - you don’t have to have a relationship with your mother. Some relationships are so toxic it’s better to walk away and keep your mental state safe.

Sarah agrees: “I haven’t seen my mother in years. I tried, but the divide is too wide. She never lived up to my image of a loving mother and I’m fairly sure I never met hers of a good daughter. It’s better for me to keep away.

“I don’t have a daughter of my own, but I do have step-children, and I think that one of the best things I learned from my own mother was how not to do it. I put this into practice every time we’re together and show my love, pride and respect for them in my words and my actions.”

Our relationship with our mother is one that is fundamental to who we become - some through love and encouragement, some quite the opposite. However it is for you, as an adult with far better awareness of what contributes to positive mental and emotional health than previous generations, you can make the right choice for you about your relationship with your mother. They may ladle on the guilt, but you don’t have to accept it.